Monthly Archives: April 2012

Postmodern Learning Journey

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Consciousness 17th Century Courtesy of Wikipedia

Consciousness 17th Century Courtesy of Wikipedia

The questions “Who am I?” “Who are we?” and “What is consciousness?” is fascinating to think about.  These issues carry within itself another, even more important question:  “Where do I belong?”   The answer to that question is discovered within a fellowship of friends.  I believe belonging is a core need of nearly all of us in the quest for answers and truth.  On my postmodern journey (belief there is no one objective “truth” rather many possible intrepretations of any event)  I connected with the article, The Essence of Self (Russell, 2003).  Russell believes when the mind is quiet we are experiencing our true essence which is a state of pure consciousness.  He says we develop our sense of self from people, places and things.  I have learned that the challenge is to understand that “I am” not my appearance, my work, my achievements, or my bank account, etc.  This “I am” realization is a sense of my own presence, it is not thought.  Russell describes this well in the following quote:

“When the mind is silent, and the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memories with which we habitually identify have fallen away, then what remains is the essence of self, the pure subject without an object.  What we than find is not a sense of “I am this” or “I am that,” but just “I am.” (p. 12).”

It is during meditation that I sense this “I am.”  I feel my own presence (authenticity) in my breathe with such peace that my thinking, emotions, physical body, and the passing of time, seem insignificant in comparison to it.  It takes me beyond what I previously thought of as “myself.”  This presence is essentially me and at the same time greater than me.

Russell (2003) also delineates the concept of self, time and space in his article and I connected with his words. I can observe when my mind gets caught up in identification with the past and continuous compulsive projection into the future.   I believe Russell would say when I’m getting caught up in mind thought I am building my sense of self from time.  As soon as I am conscious of this mind process, I become present.  I seize to be my problems and emotions; I stop acting out my compulsive projections and instead become consciousness of which I really am.  The challenge is to stay in the present moment and stop punishing myself for behaviors in the past or with anxious predictions about the future.

Ken Wilber’s integral psychology model has also had a dramatic impact on my postmodern learning.  He has put into words my spiritual awakening with such accuracy that my sense of belonging to something greater then myself is much stronger.  I have learned of this postmodern thinking and shared experiences after the fact and it gives credibility to Wilber’s teaching and my awakening.  A chapter in his book, Integral Psychology (2000), “The Archeology of Spirit” was the most profound.  He writes about the experience he calls looking deep within the mind so well. “In its gentle whisperings, there are the faintest hints of infinite love,” and “It is reached by a simple technique: turn left at mind, and go within” (p. 111). The descriptions are wonderful.  I have felt the hints of infinite love during meditation and as a result, in moments of dialogue with others.

Wilber speaks of “at-home-ness” with the world developing deeper as the self integrates various “streams.”  I think of this as having a place wherein I fit, at home with self, with family, with the world.  Spirituality helps me find that experience by accepting myself, including my relationships with others, and especially my family.  Because of this, I have learned to see my relationships in a different way and to better fit with others.  Wilber calls this process identifying, “If you identify with your friends and family, you will treat them with care.  If you identify with your nation, you will treat your countrymen as compatriots.  If you identify with all human beings, you will strive to treat all people fairly and compassionately, regardless of race, sex, color, or creed” (p.116).  This passage struck me because when I had a spiritual experience as a result of losing my forearm, I than possessed the most profound need to connect with others.  This need helped me overcome the uncomfortableness with looking different and gave me the courage to be myself.  This loss was a powerful lesson in understanding that I am not my body or mind and that my real self had not changed though my outward appearance had.

My postmodern learning journey requires an examination of my invisible inner world through introspection, interpretation, and conscious awareness of my mind talk. My beliefs about subjective reality have been changed by what I am learning.  We live in an exciting time of conscious evolution in which the scientific method is inadequate in its explanations.  Modern science is uncomfortable with subjective uncertainty as are most of us.  The challenge of nonresistance to change and unpredictability is shaped and affected by our own culture, community and compulsive thoughts.  We are the shaper of our reality, environment and culture.  The good news is that we do have some control over our thinking and hold the key to our personal freedom from self-bondage.

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Thank you for reading this article.  I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-love by teaching from my  experience.  In the past, I’ve sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my  intuition and developing my self-worth.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to put an end to the self-judgment.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.

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Chronic Pain, Self-talk, and Distraction

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841479_17427852One important part of a chronic pain control plan is changing your self-talk. Self-talk is the dialogue you have inside your head in response to a situation or pain episode. For example, you are having a pain episode, your self-talk might go something like this: “This is hopeless, there is nothing I can do, I’m completely overwhelmed and it’s impossible to stop this pain.” One way to change your pain experience is learning how thoughts and actions influence your feeling and coping. By paying attention to negative self-talk and changing your thoughts you can learn to reduce and better manage pain (including emotional pain). Negative self-talk can affect the severity, duration, and intensity of your pain experience and your ability to cope with it too. In particular, catastrophizing (thinking that make things seem worse than they really are) about pain is likely to make you feel more helpless to cope and to suffer more. If you learn to recognize the thoughts that crank up your pain and distress, you can replace those thoughts with calming, soothing thinking that brings your pain level back down. You could think, “This is something I can manage, even though it is difficult.” By doing this you are more likely to feel competent to cope and to feel better about yourself and distract from your pain.

In addition to changing your self-talk, you can also learn skills to focus your attention in certain areas and distract yourself from others. A helpful skill for reducing pain or emotional distress is distraction. You may believe that there is nothing that can be done to stop your pain. You may feel that you need to be dependent on drugs in order to cope. You may believe that you need to get rid of pain in order to live life at all. People with frequent or chronic pain often pay a lot of attention to bodily sensations. This means that they are very aware of pain and often suffer more as a result. The good news is that we have some control of our attention and can choose to focus on something else. Although some pain experiences or sensations are so strong that it’s very hard not to pay attention, most of the time we have some control over where and how much we focus our attention. Have you ever noticed that you’re not as bothered by pain if you’re involved in doing something interesting? This is because you’re just not as aware of pain (or distressful emotions) if you’re distracted by something and not paying attention to your body. Attention is the first step to perception. This is not ignoring pain, it is paying attention to something else. If you notice your pain when you’re doing a task, you don’t need to get upset, just return your attention to the activity of the moment.

Tips for Distraction and Changing Your Attention

●Monitor your self-talk, reduce thoughts that make you feel bad and increase thoughts that contribute to feelings of confidence.

●Do things that you enjoy and help take your mind off pain or feeling distressed.

●Treat your senses. Light a scented candle, buy fresh cut flowers,  indulge in a massage, or take a hot bath.

●Find positive meaning from your pain or disabling experience.

●Schedule events with close friends or family.

●Contribute to a cause or do something nice for someone else.

●Make a gratitude list of things that are good in your life. Read it when you feel pain. Read it everyday.

●Distract your thinking. Read a book, watch TV, or do a puzzle.

●Generate different physical sensations. Sit outside in the sunshine, wrap yourself in a warm blanket, pet a dog or cat.

●Look at something beautiful, like a flower or a piece of art. Go to a museum. Look at nature.

●Listen to music that is soothing or uplifting. Pay attention to the sounds around you like birds, the wind in the trees, or ocean waves.

●Have your favorite meal or dessert. Eat an orange slowly, paying attention to the flavor and texture.

Working on changing your self-talk is only one part of a chronic pain control plan. Strategies like distraction with pleasant activities and soothing sensations can be helpful. By figuring out what thoughts work for you and practicing attention diversion when you feel pain will result in feelings of control, less dependence on pain medication, and a better quality of life.

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Thank you for reading this article.  My learning journey with chronic physical pain is a result of my experience with phantom limb pain.  I was graced with the gift of self-acceptance upon realization that my forearm was amputated.  Before my limb loss, I sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my intuition and developing my self-worth.  My drive for perfection was crushed along with my arm.  I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to put an end to self-created emotional pain.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.

Body Image, Sexuality, and Coping with Limb Loss

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APRIL IS LIMB LOSS AWARENESS MONTH

The Amputee Coalition received a letter from President Obama recognizing April as Limb Loss Awareness Month. Below is a link to that letter.

http://limblossawareness.org/content/documents/limb-loss-awareness-4-2-12.pdf

Losing a limb is extremely disabling. There are approximately 1.9 million people in the United States with some form of limb loss.  Some amputations are the result of injury or disease; others are born with a limb difference.  Losing all or part of a limb is a life-changing event that can cause grief and decreased self-esteem.  An amputee loses part of his or her physical self when they lose a limb and the change in appearance is final.  Grieving, therefore, is both normal and expected.  Loss of body image can have devastating effects on a person’s identity.  Body image refers to our perceptions, thoughts, feelings and reactions to our looks.  The loss experienced by a person with an amputation is not only the physical loss of a body part but also the loss of their former appearance, function, athletic ability, and hobbies.  Changes in an amputee’s physical appearance may initially make it more difficult to engage in personal relationships and may have significant impact on their ability to view themselves sexually.  In addition, amputated limbs often cause feelings of revulsion in the patient, family member, and society.

Children may feel different from their peers; adults may find that their negative self-image affects their sexual relationships.  Research has shown that when faced with an amputation, people who feel self-conscious about their residual limb respond by avoiding social situations.  Unfortunately, this also can trigger depression.  Traumatic combat injuries have unique considerations in regards to the high lethality of modern weaponry, the persistent threat of being in a war zone, the lack of emotional resources/support, and delay in medical attention.   Combat injuries powerfully impact the service members, their children and families.  Difficulty in readjusting to life back home may alter family relationships and support, contributing to a vicious cycle of psychological and social challenges for both the person with limb loss and the family.  Below are video clips of individuals with limb loss demonstrating determination, grace, and courage.

The Amputee Coalition also has several public service announcements running—some on a jumbotron in Times Square, NY. Here are links if you are interested in viewing these great pieces.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWv_m-1AGc4&list=UURL1kJhUwALQy606TnKFlLw&index=1&feature=plcp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79MlNWF511o&list=UURL1kJhUwALQy606TnKFlLw&index=2&feature=plcp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqP-S1JsLZk&list=UURL1kJhUwALQy606TnKFlLw&index=3&feature=plcp

Romantic Myths and Ending the Codependent Relationship

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Photo Courtesy Wikipedia

Photo Courtesy Wikipedia

Codependents demand a lot from their romantic relationships and want their partners to fix their lives, to save them from sadness or to bring joy.  They expect their partners to make them happy in every way.  This is the codependents romantic myth; believing that finding someone special will improve all aspects of their lives.  This is an emotional trap!  Your unhappiness will not stop when a rescuer comes.  Because of this belief codependents feel consistently unfulfilled in relationships.  Rescue is always an “inside job.” It is your job to notice your needs and take care of yourself and give yourself love.   Believing your partner will complete you is a set-up for disillusionment and means you will be taking a hostage or becoming a volunteer martyr.  Abusers require victims and victims attract persecutors.  Codependents have a deep capacity for love, but they haven’t developed the capacity to love themselves enough to stop the pain an unhealthy relationship can cause them.  Codependents tend to believe that you should love unconditionally and that the unconditional love you give your partner should be returned.  This unconditional reciprocity is only possible with your infant or four-legged friends.

An unhealthy person can have a powerful pull when you are needy, unhappy, and trying to maintain positive energy and balance while in search of a loving relationship.  Entitlement to your own feelings allows you to see other people’s pent-up anger and emotions and to recognize whether a person is right for you.  You cannot change others; you can choose to see emotional problems in potential partners so you are not  pulled into their darkness or bargain with your own well-being. You can move on to realistic thinking, new behaviors, and new emotions.  You can see beyond old patterns of personal consciousness that have trapped you in unhealthy partnerships.  You can stop victimizing yourself, let go of negativity, and become aware of your power to cope effectively with unhealthy people, thoughts, and situations.

The codependent also has a deep need for connectedness, harmony and a sense of belonging, which involves awareness that life’s most precious realities are love and compassion.  Love and compassion are attained only in the giving of it to ourselves and only in the openness to receive it.  We give by getting and get by giving in relationships.  Feeling good flows from self-acceptance, being joined with loved ones in a healthy way, and of knowing we belong.

 Tips for Ending Codependent Relationships

1. Invest in yourself: It will be easier to help yourself the more you know about   codependency.

2. Struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated to discover your own truth.

3. If you are having great difficulties that you want to work out, seek professional counseling.

4. Do not form relationships solely on the basis of attraction.

5. Work through your family of origin issues so you don’t find yourself working through them with the people you are attracted to.

6. Learn to go slowly and pay attention during the process of initiating and forming relationships.

7. Say how you really feel.

8. Let go of your need to control.

9. Create a solid sense of self and the courage to speak up when something bothers you.

10. Take risks by being your authentic self in all areas.

11. Learn to love and respect yourself so you will become attracted to people who will love and respect you.

12. Be completely honest from your heart and don’t hide your truth because of the fears in your head.

13. Allow your partner to be who he/she is and don’t try to fix them.

14.Talk openly about changes you see happening in the other person and in yourself.

15. Learn to look for what’s good for you, instead of what’s good for the other person.

16. Monitor yourself and not your partner.

Each person who enters your life has a unique lesson to teach you.  When you find what’s good about you, you’ll find the right person, and the joy that person has to offer will make up for all the past hurts put together times ten!!!

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Thank you for reading this article.  I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.  In the past, I’ve sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my  intuition and developing my self-worth.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about abusive relationships and what it takes to put an end to self-judgment.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.