Category Archives: Communication Skills

Problem-Solving: The Work of Satisfying Relationships

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Smiley_svgUnresolved problems and conflicts in your relationship contribute to stress and tension, which leads to relationship dissatisfaction. Ask yourself, “Is it okay in my partnership to identify, have, and talk about problems?” All people have problems to work through. To create healthy communication we must not deny problems as a way of dealing with them and we must be able to discuss them. When we deny our problems we can become depressed, overeat, drink, and otherwise act-out compulsively. In contrast, addressing problems as they occur contributes to feeling connected to our loved ones, which leads to lower levels of stress, spontaneous expressions of affection, and improved mood.  Keep in mind that the best time to resolve a conflict may not be immediately. It is not unusual for one or both partners to need some time to cool off.

Problems are part of life and the work of long-term relationships.  So are solutions. We may spend more time in the drama of a problem than solving it. We end up missing the point, the lesson, and the gift.  Successful partnerships involve a willingness to listen to and be influenced by the needs and opinions of one another.  It’s necessary to talk about and solve our problems if we want a decent manageable life together.  Starting a discussion with criticism or blame is a common way two people escalate to hurting each other.

During conflict a means of monitoring anger is to notice when your voice rises, this is a warning signal that you are getting closer to blaming or having an outburst. When you lash out you become the “problem” and the drama continues.  You step into the role of the persecutor, your partner becomes a victim to your ranting, and eventually someone will take the rescuer role to make things better.  The problem often does not get addressed.  Eventually intimacy and your sex life are ruined with this ongoing pattern of relating.  Problem-solving skills can be developed and used to cope with relationship disputes and can also be helpful in other areas of your life.

Problem-solving techniques are effective when applied to problems of conflict directly or to problems that might contribute to disagreements (e.g. work conditions, financial concerns, health problems, etc.). Good problem-solving is closely related to changing your thinking; it’s changing your belief that problems are overwhelming and impossible into a belief that they can be addressed successfully. You and your partner need to attack the problem and not each other.  Start discussions with a positive meaningful comment about your partner’s strengths before sharing the issue(s). End your communication with a positive statement about how you will do your part to making the connection stronger.  Be willing to discover and correct blind spots about your behavior.  Resolving problems requires clearly defining the issue to overcome obstacles and find solutions.

Example: Poorly defined problem:

“I’m unhappy and depressed in my relationship.”

Example: Well-defined problem:

“I feel unhappy with my relationship for most of the day, every day because my partner is not affectionate. When I’m unhappy, it’s hard for me to interact with my partner and I end up sitting by myself watching TV for hours or I call a friend to discuss the state of my unhappiness. This makes me feel unloved, lonely and frustrated. My friends are irritated with me for my constant complaining, and my partner is angry at me for my emotional distancing and isolation.”

Resolve your frustration by clearly stating what you need from the other person.  Describe your request in clear terms. For example, you might say, “I would like you to hold my hand more often” rather than, “I wish you were more caring.”  Wait for a response. Be a good listener and don’t interrupt, focus on what is being expressed and check out what you heard your partner say.  Edit unnecessary negative comments.

Next, how do you want to change? Set realistic, specific, concrete goals.

Example: 1) I would like critical thoughts about my partner to be less often and 2) less frequent 3) I would like to be able to spend time with my partner and share affection 4) I would like to communicate to my partner about what is making me angry.

Now for the fun part of solving problems, this is a time to loosen up thinking and to generate as many solutions as possible, even if they seem dumb or impractical.

Example:

1) Stop talking about my anger to friends and start talking to my partner.

2) Talk to my doctor about my depression and/or couples counseling.

3) Ask my friends to talk to me and urge me to think positively.

4) Practice taking deep breaths when I start to have critical thoughts.

5) Exercise when depressive and critical thoughts start.

6) Go on a weekend getaway to relax and connect with my partner.

7) Give to my partner what I need from him or her (e.g., affection, patience, acceptance, etc.).

Now go for the solution. Try out the top 2 or 3 solutions. Give 110% effort – it will only work if you really want to change.  Expect to be challenged, as it often takes some persistence before a problem is fully solved, but give yourself kudos for the effort.

Example: I will plan to talk about my feelings regularly, I will practice deep breathing when I start thinking critically, and I will show appreciation to my partner.

Solving problems involves accountability for one’s actions and giving up the role of a victim.  The feeling of anger is normal and healthy in long-term relationships.  When anger is appropriately expressed it draws people closer to each other, increasing satisfaction.  Anger is always a secondary emotion to the feelings of hurt and/or fear.  Expressing anger aggressively is temporary relief from shame and feelings of powerlessness.  Everyone feels trapped from aggressive communication.  Aggression is fueled by rage not anger.  If aggression is a problem outside intervention will be necessary. Co-creating a satisfying relationship involves understanding each other’s perspective, not taking another’s communication as a personal attack, and sympathizing with feelings, especially when there is conflict.

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Thank you for reading this post. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to create healthy relationships.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.

 Roberta

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Codependents Learning to Communicate Needs in Relationships

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Communication

Part of having successful relationships is learning to communicate clearly, directly, and assertively. Effective communication is the key to getting what we need and want and to having satisfying relationships with others. This is especially important when acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, as what we need and want can be very important in our love relationship. Also, having positive relationships  and addressing codependency issues are important in keeping stress down, reducing tension, and increasing positive experiences.  What is codependency in relationships?

Codependents are people who find it difficult to ask for what they need or to stand up for themselves and often let other people push them around or take advantage. They are unable to make up their mind and may evade an issue in conversation.  This communication style can make a codependent attractive to an abuser.  Signs of an abusive person is someone who talks over people, expresses feelings in a way that violates boundaries, and who makes inappropriate demands.  During an argument this person intimidates with piercing eye contact, takes an overbearing posture, makes “you” statements in a loud voice with demanding tones, and interrupts often.  And you do not have to allow their coercive demands to control the course of your life. You have the power to live your own life by not letting the demands of others control you.

Effective communication involves acknowledging feelings directly, instead of making others guess at your feelings or having your feelings come out in other ways. In most situations direct communication is the appropriate choice. However, if you are communicating with someone who is yelling, you might be more reactive by indirectly expressing angry feelings instead of openly addressing them. This creates a disconnect between what you say and what you do. Your true feelings end up being demonstrated through actions, not words.  Many codependents protect themselves from seeing things that are too painful in addictions, (alcoholism, food, sex, gambling) compulsive caretaking, feeling miserable, guilty or ashamed.  It is okay to say no to people when that is what you want. Denying feelings does not stop pain or compulsive behavior.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us. By recognizing that our rights and needs are just as important as others, we learn to be direct and clear in our statements and behaviors. We use words to forge a closer connection. We disclose how we feel in a way that reflects self-responsibility, directness, and honesty. Repressing thoughts and feelings does not turn us into the person we want to be.  Give yourself permission to say what you want and stop when you are done. Codependents are usually good at respecting other people’s opinions and needs, but do not have respect for their own. You can learn new behaviors and break demeaning beliefs about yourself that can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Following are suggestions for assertive communication and how to resolve conflict in relationships:

● Describe issues clearly and concisely. Let the other person know your concerns. Don’t beat around the bush. Take responsibility for what you want or don’t want and ask for it directly.

● Take the initiative in bringing a topic up and show the other person that you respect your own needs.

● Keep your focus on the matter at hand without getting diverted onto other issues.

● Make good eye contact and face the person you’re speaking with, but don’t invade their personal space.

● Speak firmly, positively and loudly enough to be heard.

● Match your words with your true needs.

● Bring up the issue with confidence.

● Avoid attacking, threatening, or judgmental statements.

● Be fair, truthful, and stick to your values.

● Maintain a posture and attitude of equality.

● Don’t apologize for your needs. Don’t expect people to apologize for their needs.

● Use “I” statements: When you yelled at me, I felt disrespected. I need you to express  your feelings without yelling.

● Talk ABOUT feelings, rather than act them out.

● Edit unnecessary negative content.

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Thank you for reading my post. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to express needs and put an end to relationship abuse.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.

Roberta

Stress, Chronic Pain, and Breaking the Habit of Thinking Negatively

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250px-Dramaten_mask_2008aInevitably there are times of stress in our lives.  Stress, negative thinking, emotions, and pain are interconnected.  Stress makes us feel anxious, short-tempered, and overwhelmed. When the stress is internal we feel out of balance.  When stress is external and internal we experience our most difficult times with physical pain, we tend to tense our muscles, even if we aren’t aware of it, which can lead to more pain.  When we are feeling relaxed or happy, we tend to have less muscle tension, which can lead to less pain.  And when we are pain-free, it’s easier to feel relaxed and engaged in life.  We feel emotionally better and are better able to be there for ourselves and those we love.

Your thoughts and behaviors are related to your feelings and can result in more positive or more negative moods.  For example, if you spend time with friends during stressful periods, you tend to feel more balanced and peaceful in spite of your physical pain or life circumstances.  Spend a whole day sitting by yourself at home and thinking about how hopeless and helpless you feel, you are much more likely to feel down or grumpy than if you are able to be active and distract your thinking.  At the same time, it is normal and understandable that pain will sometimes make you feel stressed, unhappy, depressed, anxious, frustrated, or angry.  The goal is not necessarily to avoid your feelings and thoughts, but to learn how to manage them, along with your pain.  You have choices about how to stop the thoughts, emotions, and actions that lead to greater levels of emotional and physical pain. You may have experimented with compulsive or addictive behaviors to avoid or temporarily stop your pain.  These temporary pain relievers do not solve the problem; they postponed it.

At the same time, physical pain can be your body’s way of letting you know when something is wrong, so it’s important to be able to tell the difference between injury and pain that doesn’t indicate damage.  In addition, painful emotions can be our awakening to stop the thinking or behaviors we are doing that cause pain.  For example, a backache could be caused by an injury, but it could also be caused by our thoughts and feelings leading to unnecessary stress or tension.  Think of the saying, “ Ninety five percent of what I have worried about in my life has never happened.”  Similarly, you might have back pain because of a damaged disc, or it could be an achy muscle from exercise.  You know your body best, so it is important that you learn the differences between types of pain so that you can make good decisions about when you should try to distract yourself or change your thinking and when you need rest or medical care.

Self-care may not come easily during times of pain.  Ask yourself, “What do I need to do to take care of myself, what do I need emotionally?”  One way to benefit by taking care of yourself is to do at least one or two activities a day that you enjoy or that make you feel good.  These activities can be almost anything, from reading or watching TV to spending time with friends and family to taking a class or volunteering for a cause that makes you feel good about yourself.  One activity that is known to reliably improve feelings and lower stress levels is exercise.  Exercise activates endorphins in the brain, which are a natural painkiller and are 20 times stronger than any man-made pain medication. People who exercise regularly feel better, sleep better, and generally are happier.  In addition, exercise improves muscle tone and strength, which contributes to reduced pain.

Tips for Improving Your Well-being

  • Monitor your thinking, notice thoughts that make you feel bad, and make  choices about how to counter or change those thoughts.
  • Meditate everyday.  Sit quietly for 10 minutes; think about how you can be a better person.
  • Find positive meaning from your stress or disabling experience.
  • Reduce thoughts that contribute to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and increase thoughts that contribute to feelings of competence.
  • Be an optimist, look for the lesson in your pain, and seek something good from your adversity.
  • Deal with your emotions.  Acknowledge stress, anger, hurt, and anxiety.
  • Take a walk every day.
  • Have regular scheduled events with close friends or family.
  • Find time to be alone with your partner.
  • Make time for laziness.
  • Be healthy inside.  Eat lots of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and good carbohydrates (e.g. whole wheat bread or pasta).  Avoid junk food.
  • Treat your senses.  Light a scented candle, buy fresh-cut flowers, and indulge in a massage, or take a hot bath.
  • Sleep.  Go to bed and get up at the same time every day, even on weekends
  • Be creative.  Spend time learning new things.  Work in your garden, paint, or build something.
  • Do something for someone else.  Volunteer or do something nice for a loved one.
  • Do something to make you feel the opposite of how you  feel now.  If you’re feeling frustrated and helpless, take a walk or watch a funny movie.  If you’re feeling sad read positive affirmations.
  • Put a mental wall up between yourself and the pain, thoughts, or the emotional distress.  Detach and deny your pain, box it up and put it on a shelf.

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Thank you for reading this article.  My learning journey with chronic physical pain is a result of my experience with phantom limb pain.  I was graced with the gift of self-acceptance upon realization that my forearm was amputated.  Before my limb loss, I sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my intuition and developing my self-worth.  My drive for perfection was crushed along with my arm.  I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to put an end to self-created emotional pain.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.

Stopping Complusive Mind Chatter

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Thinking Courtesy of Wikipedia

Thinking Courtesy of Wikipedia

Meditation is the single most important thing you can do for yourself each day to stop compulsive mind chatter.   Starting the practice of meditation is often a salvation.  Your authentic self will appear in moments of quite awareness, and in non-resistance to the present moment, the dialogue in your head will stop and so will the compulsive emotional pain.  During meditation one’s still self can become present and is empowered to de-identify with the drama the ego manufactures in order to feel alive and keep the negative chatter going.  By practicing meditation you will experience stillness, peace and self-acceptance.  We all have the power to stop attending to the seemingly involuntary thought processes, the continuous negative monologues, and the repetitive victim stories playing in our minds.  Emotional, physical, or mental pain can be used as a gift to motivate you to stop the mental fighting in your mind.

My experience with emotional trauma and chronic pain has been a major influence on my values and self-care.  I have been moved by intense struggling into accepting “what is.”  When I practice acknowledging that my emotional pain is self-created and I am not a victim, my thoughts commence to change dramatically.  Moment by moment I practice giving up my attachment to past, future and present thoughts to make living in the present my main focus.  I have found peace through this surrender and a profound need to demonstrate kindness through my actions.  The compulsive drive for more, better, new, in order to feed a false image and ineffectively heal emotional wounds is no longer fulfilling to me.  This awareness came from an accumulation of personal losses, emotional pain and chronic physical pain.  I use to have a voice in my head that continuously attacked and punished me for not doing enough.  I decided I would no longer tolerate the self-created misery and unhappiness.  The negative thoughts still lurk, but I practice observing and releasing them without judging.

I have found it is necessary to practice not taking people or situations personally and to stop building negative thoughts.  The minute I make a situation “about me,” my fear is in charge and creating a story.  I have learned that the challenge is to respect that who “I am” is not my minds activity, my appearance, my work, my achievements, or my bank account, etc.  This “I am” realization is a sense of my own presence, it is not thought.   As soon as I am conscious and stop the compulsive mind chatter I’m hearing, (i.e., “Hello old friend that has come here to make me feel like crap, you can go now”) I become present.  I seize to become my reactions and negative emotions; I stop acting out my compulsive projections.  I quit beating myself up and instead become conscious of my present worth.  The challenge is to remain in the present moment and give up identifying with the drama for things that happened in the past or with fearful projections into the future.  I take responsibility for my actions and self-respect.  I recognize that I am continuously creating my minds reality and I give myself permission to be ”perfectly imperfect.”

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Thank you for reading this article. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-love by teaching from my  experience.  In the past, I’ve sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my intuition and developing my own self-worth.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to put an end to the self-judgment and self-bondage.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.