Codependents have a deep capacity for love, but they haven’t developed the capacity to love themselves enough to stop the pain an unhealthy relationship can cause them. Codependents tend to believe that you should love unconditionally and that the unconditional love you give your partner should be returned. This unconditional reciprocity is only possible with your infant or four-legged friends.
Codependents demand a lot from their romantic relationships and want their partners to fix their lives, to save them from sadness or to bring joy. They expect their partners to make them happy in every way. This is the codependents romantic myth; believing that finding someone special will improve all aspects of their lives. This is an emotional trap! Your unhappiness will not stop when a rescuer comes. Because of this belief codependents feel consistently unfulfilled in relationships. Rescue is always an “inside job.” It is your job to notice your needs and take care of yourself and give yourself love. Believing your partner will complete you is a set-up for disillusionment and resentment.
An unhealthy person can have a powerful pull when a codependent is needy, unhappy, and trying to maintain positive energy and balance while in search of a loving relationship. Entitlement to your own feelings allows you to see other people’s pent-up anger and emotions and to recognize whether a person is right for you. Entitlement to your feelings is the end to codependent relationships. You cannot change others; you can choose to see emotional problems in potential partners so you are not pulled into their darkness or bargain with your own well-being. You can move on to realistic thinking, new behaviors, and new emotions. You can see beyond old patterns of personal consciousness that have trapped you in unhealthy partnerships. You can stop victimizing yourself, let go of negativity, and become aware of your power to cope effectively with unhealthy people, thoughts, and situations.
Loving people have a deep need for connectedness, harmony and a sense of belonging. This need is attained only in the giving of love to ourselves and only in the openness to receive it from emotionally available partners.
Tips for Ending Codependent Relationships
1. Invest in yourself: Life will be easier the more you know about codependency.
2. Struggle, fail, be confused and frustrated to discover your own truth.
3. If you are having difficulties that you want to work out, seek professional counseling.
4. Do not form relationships solely on the basis of attraction.
5. Work through your family of origin issues so you don’t find yourself working through them with the people you are attracted to.
6. Learn to go slowly and pay attention during the process of initiating and forming relationships.
7. Say how you really feel. Be entitled to your feelings!
8. Let go of your need for care-taking and control.
9. Create a solid sense of self and the courage to speak up when something bothers you.
10. Allow a partner to be who he/she is and don’t try to fix them.
11.Talk openly about changes you see happening in the other person and in yourself.
12. Learn to look for what’s good for you, instead of what’s good for the other person.
13. Monitor yourself and not your partner.
Each person who enters your life has a unique lesson to teach you. When you find what’s good about you, you’ll find the right person, and the joy that person has to offer will make up for all the past hurts put together times ten!!!
Thank you for reading this article. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience. In the past, I’ve sacrificed my emotional and spiritual well-being for perfectionism and looked to others for approval at the cost of trusting my intuition and developing my self-worth. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about abusive relationships and what it takes to put an end to self-judgment. And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.