Obsessing over a narcissistic relationship is stressful and tiring; leading you to feel down, frustrated or hopeless. Fixating over your painful experience can interfere with your life by keeping you from doing the things you want to do. A particularly helpful skill to stop compulsive thoughts of the abuse is learning to control your attention, the degree to which you are focused on the mistreatment, the more you are aware of it. This is not about denying your pain; it is attending to something else. Negative thoughts are ideas that we tell ourselves and are not always accurate reflections of reality.
When we take feelings to seriously, we let how we feel control all our decisions. While learning to focus on the things you have control over, you will empower yourself to end the destructive attachment. Letting go of your resentments (desire to hurt your partner) happens when you believe in your right to happiness. Sometimes we need time to ready ourselves to cope. Change your thinking about the abuse, and about yourself, so that you don’t blame yourself, or believe things are hopeless. The following steps are ways to stop your obsessions.
I believe the first step below requires us to give up our desire for vengeance and letting go of a victim mentality. If you want revenge let it be your own success at creating a decent manageable life. Allowing your abuser to rent space in your head means they get to continue punishing you. Narcissists feel all-powerful when they think your life is miserable with them, and especially without them. Feel your anger and use your emotional pain to motivate change in your life.
- Take responsibility in part for having chosen your abusive partner and/or for staying in purgatory. Accept the lesson and learn from the relationship pain so you don’t repeat it. Ask yourself, “what is the gift” from this relationship?
- Stop talking about your ex-partner to others; refuse to establish a victim identity. Create a state of well-being within you.
- Spend time each morning focused on forgiving the narcissist for not being able to love you, so you can free your ego from the desire to hurt them. Move on to a new freedom.
- Care enough about your well-being to stop the self-punishing thoughts. Refuse to build drama stories in your mind.
- Practice hearing and feeling the critical voice in your head. Banish fear and guilt from your mind. Acknowledge and observe the destructiveness of your compulsive thoughts and emotions.
- Keep your thinking and feeling centered on good things, care about how you feel. Lower your dark curtain and emerge from darkness.
- Work as hard on accepting what is good in your life as you have the painful and the difficult. Learn to trust yourself by finding out what is right for you.
Thank you for reading this article. I have dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-love by teaching from my own experience. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about abusive relationships and what it takes to put an end to victimization. And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.