The Punishing Sexuality of the Narcissist

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Foot Fetish Courtesy of Wikipedia

The narcissist is threatened by a partner’s sexual and emotional needs and believes they are out to trap them and suck them dry.  This is the narcissist’s classic projection of their true inner self.  Because of this projection he or she tortures and abuses.  They can be ruthless in their pursuit of prey and create misery in their wake. To calm irrational fears they pathologize intimate others to maintain power and control.  They are constitutionally incapable of feeling empathy or remorse for their actions.

Most narcissists prefer pornography and masturbation to emotionally attached, mature, adult sex.  Some are into sadomasochistic sexual relationships; some use pornography to become aroused; others become addicted to it.  The psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the sadistic narcissist.  Witnessing his or her pain is what the sadist finds arousing.  Their sexuality is not a connected and balanced part of life.  The sexual act is a performance-oriented genital experience focused on the hunt and momentary high of orgasm.  Sometimes they are latent homosexuals or secretly bisexual.  Many have fetishes which involve the use of nonliving objects.  Spandex, lingerie, cross dressing, boas, high heels, leather restraints, etc. may be used for sexual stimulation.  It can start to take increasingly more violence or the use of fetish objects to become sexually aroused enough to orgasm.  Boredom in the bedroom comes quickly and ejaculation may be impossible without toys or inflicting pain.

After the pyrotechnic beginnings, sex is likely to become an impersonal and emotionally distant experience.  Most heterosexual male and female narcissists hate their opposite gender.  Punishment by emotional withdrawing and abstaining from sex is inflicted on loving partners to maintain control.  The narcissist sadistically frustrates for pleasure and can become celibate within a relationship.  Sex then is only performed to keep their partner from leaving or for the demonstration of physical and psychological domination.  They are incapable of true emotional intimacy and dread the needs of a lover.  Unable to love or feel empathy, the relationship becomes chaotic, lacking any measure of authentic intimacy.  The life force is sucked out of the partner leaving them hollow.  They are notorious for cheating and/or using the services of prostitutes.  Partners are wise to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Narcissists rarely seek help for their soulless, emotionless, genital only sex and destructive mistreatment of others.  Their need to have sexual power is directly proportional to the hatred and rage they feel within.  If you are reading this post you probably have suffered to hang on to this type of painful relationship and long to find real love.  You must start with learning to nurture yourself and seeking to understand the intense longing that led to your choice of a narcissistic partner.  The truth is, their numbers are great and odds are many of us will encounter this personality disorder in our search for a healthy partner.  Find something you love to do and do it!  Warm relationships and fulfilling sexual experiences flow from a person who feels good about his or her life and is on a path to self-fulfillment.  Take your focus off finding a relationship and begin to find your own source of love and power. You will then tend to attract genuine people who want to love you.

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Thank you for reading this post. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to express needs and put an end to relationship abuse.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.

Roberta

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46 thoughts on “The Punishing Sexuality of the Narcissist

  1. Your article is my husband through and through. I was married to a narcissist previously divorced after 18 years. But then I found the man of my dreams. Christian man, loved me. Told me I deserved to be loved the right way. I believed every single word of this. The mess started out slow, when I pushed back “ran my mouth”. We married fast. He wanted to. I wanted to take my time but he didn’t want to wait. So I obliged. Everyone tried to stop me but I loved him. We sold my house, bought a house together. There’s another shift. In my house, he never really said anything to my adult children. We moved to “our ” house. The game changed. This basically was HIS house. His rules. My two sons went to live with their dad. My daughter stayed. He routinely told me if I didn’t like it I could hit the road. My daughter and him butt heads constantly. She stuck up for me. The way he was treating me. Then I caught him looking at porn. He tried to deny it. I caught him red handed. He then and only then apologized. But he says he was looking at it because women are beautiful. What he was looking at wasn’t beautiful. It was probably twenty images of different sex acts going on. He said he’d stop. I believed him. I should back up and say. My husband has everything password protected. Computer and phone. He said that he is a private person and deserves his privacy. We have fought and fought over that. I’m an open book. Ok let’s fast forward to four days ago I find out that my husband is on a site like Facebook for porn. I saw his email that he does have on our desktop that he had left up. I wasn’t being sneaky as he tells me I am always being. So I finally confront him. Well guess what. After lying he does come clean. Does admit to always being addicted to porn all his adult life. He never told me. But us both being Christians. He tells me it’s not a big deal. It’s not adultery. I need to get over it. I’m making too much of a issue over it. Then he deleted the email off the computer and said that I’m too sneaky. I said how an I’m suppose to trust you? He said that’s for you to figure out. He’s told me that I have the problem. It’s my self esteem. That I’m crazy, sneaky, needy and controlling. Btw we went from having sex two to three times a week to once every six to eight weeks. He told me sex ruins marriages. One person wants it the other doesn’t. We always had a good sex life until about sex months ago. We’ll only be married for two years next March. Please I need guidance.

    • Dear Becca,
      Your husband is the “crazy, sneaky, needy and controlling” one. This is a classic narcissistic projection. I would question all his blame statements. He is likely telling you who he is. The relationship you describe sounds like text book narcissism. I would use your faith to help you be courageous. Abuse is a deal breaker. I wish you much grace. Thank you for commenting.

      Regards,
      Roberta

  2. It all makes so much sense now… I know I used to be a codependent, but in the hands of a manipulator (he doesn’t have all the narcissistic cues) using me for his own benefit, thus lacking of empathy. For 20 odd years I was enabling my partner’s poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, and under-achievement on top of a drug addiction – I used to be a junkie myself.
    All this is based on lack of self-love and confidence in my behalf anyway. Learning about the sexual side of my ‘abuser’ (I was abusing him too, we were ‘wound-mates’) allows me to go deeper in understanding what was and still is, going on. Thank you you much for sharing your insights, much helpful for me to get out of my trap.

  3. I almost felt physically sick reading this post. I had to get up and walk away for a few minutes before continuing. I knew something was wrong with our sex life, but I believed all his explanations of why it was my fault. A lot more makes sense now. I can’t believe I could be so naive for so long.

  4. Pingback: The Punishing Sexuality of the Narcissist – Parental Alienation's Dirty Secrets , Akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago

  5. Thank you. I’m fortunate enough to have seen the signs quickly but so hard to shrug off. Most painful relationships breed a new sense if self and drive us forward in the humbling pusuit of happiness.

    • Dear Jeremy,

      I believe life can throw us some tough lessons to find ourselves. Fully grieve your experience so will grow from the pain. I suspect you will do this. As you probably know you are not alone. Thank you for writing to me. I am wishing you a quick healing.

      Regards,
      Roberta

  6. My ex was Prince Charming until he got me pregnant and then it was sheer torture after that. He was especially cruel in the bedroom after impregnating me.

  7. Thank you for this site. This is probably the 100th search I’ve done on what I’ve been going through. I finally changed my number last week- my ex alcoholic narcissistic BF is not allowed to have the new number. I had had enough after finding out that he tried going after a girl who I don’t like and who he works with- all while we were working on things. He told me he was in love with me and how he’s never felt so close to someone before, and I believed him. We lived together for a year and were together for 1 1/2 years and I was the first woman he’s lived with. It all happened so fast and I was head over heels and I thought he was too. Slowly the drinking got worse and I found more messages to girls on his Facebook profile. He claimed they were high school friends. I’ll never forget how one message was to a woman who was married and had kids and he gave her the winky face with a how you doing? She responded with ripping him apart for standing her up on their date and how he never even had the decency to call her again. Any time I’d confront him he’d call me an insecure bitch. And I still stayed. I tried to take his words for what they were- I mean he’d say so many good things so he had to be telling the truth right? It just got worse. I drank more because he wanted to drink and it slowly became known to me that his ideal of a good time was taking shots, listen to music, gossip about people he works with and have sex. Every night. And if I didn’t want to do that then I would be isolated to the bedroom. He never took me out on dates. He never put in any effort and I became increasingly ill. I would cry myself to sleep and pray to God and ask him what I was doing wrong. I was brain washed to believing it was me and I was the problem. If I changed this or that, then maybe I’d get the love crumbs I was receiving at the beginning. He started hiding his drinking from me and that’s when I finally left. I am a full believer in Christ and that night He told me to get out, that I had to save myself. I moved in with my father and checked myself into the hospital because I was so far gone. I had never felt so empty and low. I found out from an ex coworker that they had sex the day after Moved out. He said he was just so broken he didn’t know what to do…boo hop cry my a f******* river!
    Three months later he contacted me again when I was on a date and the cycle started all over again. It’s been worse and now that we don’t live together I don’t even want to know what he’s done or who he’s done. He’s accused me of sleeping with men for money, said it was my fault for my uncle trying to sexually assault me 7 months ago, has called me a whore and a drug addict. And he most likely has a harem of women he’s got at any given time to give his sad, sorry soul an ego boost. And I’m sure all the things he accused me of- he is doing himself.

    So 9 days ago I changed my number and I’m trying to not ever look back. I am having a weak moment and find myself obsessively searching online for answers that it wasn’t me and I’m not the only woman he’s treated this way. I do know that the coworker he went after recently turned him down and he went ape. But what kills me is that she is a major alcoholic and I am so much prettier than she is (I am not shallow- I find everyone beautiful, but it does hurt!) especially when he tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he was ever met or been with and I have seen his exes- I trump them all. I’m sorry, I’m angry… Looks aside, why would he go after an alcoholic who doesn’t have anything going for her? And to add insult to injury- this girl used to bully me in high school. (Small world) so I wonder if maybe it’s intentional he went after her because he knows I didn’t like her.

    I don’t know why I allowed this to happen to me and why I didn’t leave sooner. But now I know what to be careful of. He is the closest thing to the devil I have ever known and I am afraid he will never get his karma. I think sometimes he does feel bad for what he does and that’s why he drinks heavily. I guess I wasn’t good enough. That’s my mind set. I gave my all and so much more. I fought hard and I did my best to trust him in all indiscretions and fixed all the things he felt I needed to. But here I am alone and he gets to go party and call girl #5 and have a grand time. If I ever saw him again I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably melt into the sidewalk and slither down the drain. Pretty equivalent to where I am now, anyways. Thanks for listening and I hope I can get some type of relief or answers. This kills me.

    • Dear Kelsey,
      I really hope you stay away from this man. You hold the key to freedom by stopping participation in your victimization. I realize you are in deep pain and feeling crazy. The psychic pull from a narcissist creates emotional insanity. Shaking the evil bondage is hard. It is time for you to seriously connect with your faith for support and to get grounded. When you feel the compulsion to contact him “do nothing.” If you have a mantra or a prayer that stabilizes you, say it often. You can do this. Your pain is meant to wake you up to reclaim your soul. I really feel for you. I believe this is one of your toughest life lessons you will grow through. I am wishing you the best.
      Regards,
      Roberta

  8. Hi I have just broken away from a person who I could of put her name to most of your articles about Narcissism. Its very confronting and being in the middle of letting go I have found this has helped me relise it was not me and she will never change, as much as i would like it to. My questions are.
    What happens to a Narcissistic women? Will there ever be a time they break and look in the mirror?

    • Chris,
      If your ex feels no remorse for her cruelty and meets the criteria for NPD she is not going to change. In her eyes she is never the problem. Many narcissists nastiness mellows as they age and find themselves alone alienated from others. Females particularly have a hard time losing their looks and sexual power to attract. The suicide rate and terminal illness in senior years is high for this personality disorder, as is substance abuse related deaths. They have a pretty dismal outlook. Thank you for commenting on my post. Be good to yourself.
      Regards,
      Roberta

  9. Oh how true all the above is…. 7 years on a roller coaster…. Love bombing… I left my husband of 30 years to live with this man and two days later I found out he’d been cheating for weeks…. No empathy… Nothing… But I loved him… And on it went… More cheating… Lies… The typical narc… I left him after two years but somehow we carried on for a few more… I can’t believe I allowed it… He caused me to have a breakdown… And never took responsibility for any if it… Then the last year the fetish emerged… Women’s lingerie…. The lot… And fantazing about men in underwear… Our sex life went downhill rapidly… I supported the fetish ( ??) but I no longer did it for him…. He would go limp mid sex.. And have to finish himself off…. Usually on me! In the end he said he couldn’t get aroused at all … Said it wasn’t me it was him… His age… 50…. We’d go away on weekends to lovely places and we’d sleep like we were strangers in the same bed…. Then all affection stopped… He would kiss me sometimes but I certain this was him testing his arousal ….. He would pull away as if to say “not doing it for me” …. We finally ended a few months later…. Him accusing me of cheating and that he never trusted me anyway!!!! Unbelievable…I don’t think there was another woman at this point as in the past because I think it’s related to the fetish…. He’s probably masturbating… We went quickly downhill when I refused to penetrate him with a toy…. I knew at this point that’s all he was hanging in with me for… I’m so glad I didn’t do it…. If have been disgusted with myself for ever more…. He’s a corpse… A living corpse… And I told him all that in detailed texts… Texts that he couldn’t reply to because I’ve blocked him … Got it off my chest with no nasty abyss that I’m certain would have followed… There’s no help for these creatures… I could write a book … But I’ve moved on… Please free yourself… It works… And you will feel so different… Once the fog lifts . You do get over them… Believe me… Knowing what they are is a tremendous help….

  10. Oh my gosh! I commented on another article of yours..and I just read this one! This scares me because my exbf wasn’t intimate with me very often in the year we were together. Maybe twice a month on average. He preferred oral sex on him over sex with me at all. Or I would have to be on top of him & do all of the work. He didn’t like doing anything to me. It was all about him. He also had pictures on his phone that I saw…of other women’s purses, either on a bar top or table. He’d even take pictures of random women walking down the street without them knowing. He had a fixation on nude beaches, mailers on nude cruises & nude get togethers in his apartment. One time I kisses him in the middle of a restaurant & it left his lips red. I told him his lips were red & he said for me to put more lipstick on him. So I did & he sat there blushing. It was odd. He said he was comfortable in his own skin & he only liked women. There was a time in the beginning if the relationship that I played a prank on him while he was sleeping. I painted his toes red & he didn’t seem to care, as a matter of fact he wore his flip flops everywhere for monthS. Yes, I said months! He just laughed & said he thought it was funny. So many odd things about my ex. I still can’t put the pieces of the puzzle together.

    • This is some of the creepy behavior my ex was exhibiting. Strong addiction to porn, compared me to his favorite porn star, hated and disrespectful of women, nude beach obsession, saying he wanted others to admire me….after telling me how much weight I needed to lose. Condescending of other races or ethnic background, but was having an affair with a Brazilian illegal, had all the clues just couldn’t put it together, I allowed him to keep me so polluted I can’t even remember how long this went on, all part of keeping me in a fog. ..I had her phone #, address and every clue he was cheating. ..my son even said he was a master manipulator. He had us all fooled. He said he had to protect himself, and his home wrecker accomplice. Now I’m putting all the pieces to the puzzle together and rebuilding my life, divorced, moved away and finally finding peace. Thank God he opened my eyes to the stranger I gave far to much to.

      • Learned a Hard Lesson,
        Good for you to get away. I hope you take the time to fully grieve and to master the lessons of your relationship. Your new found peace is hard won. You deserve a life that is filled with love and works. I am wishing you the best in 2015. Thank you for commenting.
        Regards,
        Roberta

  11. I am glad that the point was raised about running into these chaps frequently. Because I do, in fact, have a mental illness, I thought it was a defect on my part. I suffered for 2 years after the latest “bout” and ended up putting on 40 pounds. I am sure my psychiatrist is bored silly of the whole thing 😉

    Here is what I have learned.

    Breakups suck. But if it hurts like hell afterwards, and you constantly are questioning yourself, you have to wonder if the N word applies.

    I like to re-engineer, re-think, and re-everything about what I might have done, could have done, and so forth. But the truth is in the latest situation I never saw it coming. I was completely convinced that he had been in love with me for many, many years Now, I might well be crazy, but I’m also educated, smart, and I have been with a lot of men. Let me tell you, his was an Oscar-nominee performance. And guess what – it’s probably going to happen again. So, as the article says, arm yourself. Get busy. Get strong. And then, get even.

    At the time I thought some terrible things – slap him. Pick up a guy at the coffee shop and get a lift anywhere away from him. Sleep with another man as soon as possible. On reflection, however manic, they probably would have been better strategies than sticking around Mr. Virus.

    After an idyllic evening at his cottage, he told me he was taking me home. I was literally begging him to drop me off somewhere, but he was in control. After an hour or two, I then suggested a shorter route, with a hidden station. He pulled up to the lights, and I grabbed the handle and jumped out. Bye bye. Didn’t answer his texts; dumped him off all my social media; Whether I care to admit it or not, I dumped him.

    I won’t go in to the hundred ways I could torture myself, because it was catastrophic. Ruminating was the worst part – playing the tape over and over. In time, though, I started to realize that I was just searching for the truth, however hurtful. And much as it did, in fact, hurt, it also started me healing. I prayed to God for a solution.

    It came in the most unlikely of places. I am a patient at a dental school. They have instructors there who are mostly middle aged and very personable. There are a couple of them there that I find attractive. And I daresay they are only human, too. I just wanted an example of the kind of man what would do me good, and in these fellows I saw patience, genuine concern, and a gentleness that you never see in a narcissist. They were happy in themselves and they clearly enjoyed what they did. What a silly place to learn a lesson! But at least I learned a bit more about what to look for, and what was right for me.

    Now the best part. By now you know that I like to write. I wrote a story – a short novel – about this. I have started exercising, and slowly dropping the weight. I am returning to the things that I like to do, and avoiding the people that were in association with Mr. Virus. And I am getting getter.

    Thank you for listening.

  12. Thank you. This is sad, yet true. I’ve lived in this twice. The withdrawal hurt so much & I couldn’t understand why it went from loving & fun to non emotional or giving…. except on my part. they knew how important this was to me & the best area to hurt me. I was suppose to’do all the work’, then left unsatisfied. By the 2nd one, he would just lay there, waiting on me. No intimacy. I didn’t respond. Told him that if wanted to be together, he needed to initiate too. Didn’t realize the narc symptoms. Now I know why his ex wives ‘ just layed there’. He was the only one either ex wives had been with. At 51, it was like being with a clueless, selfish teenager who barely knew what to do. I know why they didn’t know what to do. He never taught them, I’m sure. Found out he’d watched porn for years. Tried to get me to & I said “no”. Now, I think he was watching behind my back. I understand that with his newest wife, it’s amazing… she does all the work to show him how amazingly she adores him & to be what all the others weren’t. Same as with ALL her previous men who suddenly left her. I think he’s met his match.
    I’ve learned, if they were left by each person, there’s a common denominator. ..them.
    Sad that so many who truly love them are deceived, shattered & that they have family & friends who protect them.

  13. Thank you for this post! I am just beginning the journey of learning who I am and to love myself after living with narcissists all of my life. I have been in counseling for almost a year and it has taken me this long to come to terms with it all. I grew up with a very abusive narcissistic father and then thought I met my rescuer at 17 and married him. He has been addicted to porn since we were dating. I didn’t realize it. He gave away all of his porn magazines once I discovered them, immediately, because he “loved” me. Now, of course, the internet is his playground to satisfy his addiction. I have been married for over 20 years not realizing I was married to a narcissist or was raised by one. I have realized this after being pushed to the brink and seeking counseling because I was severely depressed and suicidal. My husband has abused me in many ways and has many other symptoms of a narcissist but the addiction to porn has been one of his most powerful forms of abuse to keep me down and make me feel worthless and that no one else would want me. This is my husband to a tee “Most narcissists prefer pornography and masturbation to emotionally attached, mature, adult sex. Some are into sadomasochistic sexual relationships; some use pornography to become aroused; others become addicted to it. The psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the sadistic narcissist. Witnessing his or her pain is what the sadist finds arousing.” Within 2 years of our marriage, it was basically sexless. I had to initiate it and even then, he would not participate. I have attempted to address 3 times over the marriage and all have been traumatic. I have been told that I was fat and not attractive (at 5′ and 120 lbs), that all men are the same and are only attracted by visual appearance and that I wouldn’t want him to lie about it, would I? All of my life, I have blamed myself and have tried to please. I have enabled my husband and have believed that there is something wrong with me and basically everyone would be better off without me at this point. I still love my husband and feel sorry for him. I know that he is a narcissist as a result of a narcissistic mother. I know that he needs someone to help him and would feel guilty putting myself first and leaving him. I know that he really does not understand my needs and how his abuse affects me. He only understands his wants and needs. I have 2 excellent counselors that are trying very hard to help me find my way. I am not sure what the end result will be but your post has helped me to put his sexual addiction in perspective and has allowed me to distance myself from taking it personally. It is him, it is not me. Thank you!
    Just Waking Up…..

    • Just Waking Up,
      More power to you! Keep showing up for yourself. Leaving a narcissist after 20 years of purgatory is very hard to do. Having a solid well thought out plan is imperative. As is, the support of a therapist and people you can trust. I suggest you read my post “How Codependents Leave Abusive Narcissistic Relationships,” especially the 100 comments from readers. You likely will hear about your struggle and know you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. Waking up from this type of abuse is mind blowing. I am wishing you and abundance of grace. Thank you for commenting.
      Regards,
      Roberta

      • Roberta,
        Thank you for your kind words and support. I have read the other post and comments. This was very helpful and I am working to come to terms with being codependent so this was another great post. It is eye opening to see so many others that have endured this type of abuse and their stories have helped me to see that there is hope of escaping the abuse of a narcissistic partner.
        Just Waking Up….

        • Just Waking Up,
          Life is much easier when we recognize we are all in it together and find our truth in the story telling of others. Thanks again for commenting on my post. Congratulations! You are on your way to a healed life.
          Best Regards,
          Roberta

  14. I am amazed at reading the blogs on narcissism. In 2013, I became involved with my neighbor who I KNEW to have multiple lovers. I have watched his behavior for over ten years. In fact, it was a source of humor in my own household. When he came a knocking, I first thought it was just ‘friendly’. I had no idea he was/would be interested in me ‘like that’. It began innocent enough — a holiday drink. I was clueless that there was interest in me — after all he had to know I knew he had multiple lovers — until he sends me texts and naked pictures of himself. I was in shock. I knew better but became involved anyway. The women parading in and out was not nearly as bothersome as his emotional abuse. As I write this now, I am reeling from his ignoring me for the last week. I informed him last Sunday that the sex had become robotic! It was the truth. One of the issues I noted in sex was his lack of orgasm. Then I noticed that he was not all that interested in ensuring I had one either. I began to lose interest in him sexually, But, it was important to me that we maintain a semblance of a relationship because we are neighbors. I don’t want to not be speaking to my neighbor. We literally live two doors from each other. I knew something was wrong with me for even wanting him, so I did the one thing I knew was smart — I got myself in counseling. Counseling and these blogs have helped tremendously. It remains to be somewhat difficult, however, given the emotional abuse is sometimes unbearable. I was even so overwrought with his treatment of me, I wrote a novella. Little did I know he was a narcissist. I just thought he was a pig. I never thought narcissism was as serious as it is. This man has a different woman in his bed nearly every night. I counted ten different women in 14 days once! This is the honest-to-goodness truth. I now realize I was silly for engaging in this relationship but no longer beat myself up about it. No I realize I was duped. Duped by a predator, a con artist. I am better but realize I have a way to go. I know that I have to close the door on this relationship for once and for all. Funny thing is he goes away for periods of time and comes back like nothing ever happened! What I thought was fun has become a bit of a bad dream. Three months in, we had had a lot of fun until one evening, a great dinner, good sex and I gave him a massage. After having received a good morning greeting every day for three months, they disappeared just like that!! No notice. No reason! Nothing. It just stopped. It has been downhill since. I was convinced that I had done something wrong but couldn’t fathom what it was, what could it be. I nearly drove myself insane trying to figure it out. He would not tell me. My counselor tells me it is largely because he does not know himself! Can anyone imagine my surprise when I read the stories of other women who have been involved with narcissist and realize I could have written the same story. It is almost identical to my experience. It is a difficult task getting them out of your system. They leave your reeling. They leave you with so much self-doubt. Counseling has helped me to understand my behavior of selecting emotionally unavailable men has been my thing. I am concentrating on me and working hard at it.

    Thank you for the answers. I read your blog because I could not understand the lack of orgasm on his part. Now I get it!

    Best

    On My Way to Being Narcissist Free!

    • Paul-ett,
      I apologize for such a long response time to your comment. The person you describe sounds like the same behavior pattern neighbors witnessed in “Secrets of a Narcissist.” The person I wrote about in that article motivated this post on the sexuality of a narcissist. Narcissists eventually get bored with being nice. Three months into a relationship is a pretty typical time span to shut off the charm and of course you did nothing wrong. I am hoping you have stayed out of purgatory and have continued to heal. Thank you for writing to me.
      Regards,
      Roberta

  15. Raquel,
    Pornography addiction is a growing issue with easy access to sites on the internet. The result is that sexual climax can become more difficult or impossible without added stimulation. The person addicted loses the ability to be emotionally present and aroused by their partner alone. Your partners delayed orgasm says nothing about your desirability. It sounds like you know the relationship is hurting you and that he is unwilling or incapable of changing. You are the one that has to change because you are being made sick from the abuse. I suggest you get professional help to support your resolve to end the victimization. You will probably find it helpful to invest in yourself by learning about pornography addiction and narcissism if his behavior fits the criteria. Thank you for writing to me, my heart goes out to you.
    Regards,
    Roberta

  16. This post has hit me. I am on a journey of better self understanding after recently getting out of a very terrifying relationship with a class A narcissist, all of the above struck deeply. But this has woken me up to a pattern, the guy I dated before him was heavily addicted to pornography and used to have problems getting an erection whenever we had sex and sex was the pinnacle of our relationship. Looking back, there were times with both men where they humiliated me during our intimate moments – one took a pillow and placed it over my head the first time we had sex, the other tried to ejaculate over my face without my consent. (Sorry to pour this out, but it is like therapy) After the relationship broke with the recent one it was evident that he wished to inflict emotional pain on me recklessly to destroy me for pointing out his behaviour. I need some deep soul searching to uncover what is is with me that is attracting and maintaining these kinds of relationships.

    • LivingBetter,
      The likelihood of meeting someone with a personality disorder is high. Your willingness to look at the red flags you are missing/ignoring is the whole battle. Good for you. The gift from your experience with purgatory is your own awakening. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for your relationship choices. The lesson is to learn to love the person you are. To learn how, you must take the time to too heal without an intimate relationship. Refuse to be a victim, otherwise your persecutors win. Ask yourself, “How much more emotional pain do I want?” Giving up the victimization role takes courage and patience with one’s self. You deserve a relationship with yourself that works. Thank you for sharing about the sexual violence, many of us can relate. I am sending positive vibes for your healing.
      Roberta

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