At the beginning of the relationship a narcissist is in need of constant attention, admiration, and approval. Much like a child he or she is dependent; any sign of disapproval transforms the charming angel into a sadist. As children, most narcissists grew up in families where explosive behavior and verbal and physical abuse were common. Many experienced a consistent sense of dread that things would go badly and they would not survive. To avoid feelings of failure and inadequacy they learned at an early age to control others with rage. The narcissist tends to be anxious by temperament. Self-hatred, feelings of powerlessness, fear of abandonment, and emotional deprivation are sources that fuel their rigid, systemic pattern of abuse. Eventually attempts to control these feelings fail because the anxiety is within them, not in their environment. The narcissist resents dependence on others for attention. The frustration between an all-pervasive dependence on adulation and any perceived lack of subservience makes him or her prone to outbursts.
The narcissist cannot feel others pain and will never put a partner’s needs above theirs. Anger and jealousy are the only authentic emotions they ever experience. They are incapable of acknowledging how their cruelty hurts others and erupt compulsively without regard to the negative consequences. The most devastating part of being involved in a narcissistic relationship is you love them and they don’t care. Brief periods of stopping fury may occur out of concern for losing a mate or until a replacement can be found, but eventually the narcissist will be off again on another tantrum. Control over anger is lost as a relationship progresses, much like the progression of drug addiction. The narcissist is addicted to the rush of negative excitement and the look of pain on the face of a victim. They sometimes pick fights for the high. A partner’s trapped desperation makes the emotional sadist feel self-important and all-powerful. The abuse becomes increasingly cruel as the partners self-esteem is no longer under their control. Anger, revenge and vengefulness destroy any chance for happiness. This power over people provides pleasure as they pull you into their shadow.
Narcissists are often preoccupied with resentment and fantasies of retaliation which continually leads to uncontrollable outbursts. Most are professional martyrs who dramatize their lives to manipulate, deflect responsibility, and feel special. The academy award-winning displays of emotion is not caring or empathy, it’s a trap.
“Stonewalling” or resounding silence are a favorite sadistic weapon meant to punish you for disagreeing with him or her. The person is left feeling abandoned, unheard, undesirable, and insignificant. The emotional abuse tends to happen every day and the effects are insidious and cumulative. Living in an emotional combat zone, partners lose dignity and become unable to think, feel or act autonomously. The narcissist’s voice becomes so well internalized in his prey that he no longer needs to say anything to control their submission. The heartless infliction of emotional pain contributes to a partner’s hyper-vigilant stress response and frequent mood swings. The sadistic narcissist delights in cruelty and is vindicated in anger. Anything short of obedience is not tolerated. Why are narcissists so angry? Because narcissists hate themselves and are true cowards with empty souls. They are forced to suck the joy out those they take hostage to feel alive.
Thank you for reading my post. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes put an end to relationship abuse. And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.